On Deciding Which Shoes to Wear to a Broadway Show and a Wedding

 I am deciding which shoes to wear to a Broadway show and a wedding. Just one pair of shoes. I hate having to carry different shoes. I will have my ankle boots for travel and walking around. Even if it’s summer, I prefer if my feet did not get dusty. I am weird that way.

This pair of Steve Madden ankle boots is made for walking!  I also have to bring at least 3 long skirts as we are spending time at a frum neighborhood. I probably won’t bother with a wig. I wil just wear a hat.  Maybe one short wig for the wedding. 
I have this thing where I cannot think of what to pack until I have 2-3 hours before I have to get out of my house. I have no idea why I am such a procrastinating person. I have my luggage open on the floor for days now and it has a dozen underwear for a 5-day trip. I better pack instead of blog or I am going to regret it.

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Starting Over


I saw this picture from a family trip we took after I took the bar exam in July 2015. I miss all of us. I used to have five children.  I kept thinking now that from this picture on, I had a year to live with Yoel, my second child, my oldest son. This was a trip to Arches National Park in Moab, Utah on August 2015.

On September 20, 2016, my second child, Yoel, died. On the 21st was Chana’s 19th birthday, the 22nd was Yoel’s funeral, and on the 23rd was Yoav’s 15th birthday. I think in numbers. For example: I have 1 husband, but we have had 3 weddings.  We have 5 children, and this coming October, we will be celebrating our 26th wedding anniversary. My children are currently at age 19, 15, 12, 11. Yoel died at 17 years, 8 months, and 7 days. It has been 263 days and I have yet to mail the autopsy report request. I got the form all filled up. I just have not been able to mail it. Yet.  Now, I think I am ready to read it.  I want to know when my son died. I wish I also could know what his thoughts were during the last moment of his life.

I am not sure how to live my life after.  All I know is I cannot check out of it because I do have 4 children and a husband who still needs me. I think I hole up a lot in my corner of the couch just trying to survive.  Some days, I fear that I cannot hold it together.  Other days, I felt normal. I started this blog again because I wanted a place to just be. I do not need audience. I do not oppose them.  It is not the reason I started this blog.

I might write more than once a day to sort my thoughts. I might not write at all. I just want a place to think in written form, to reminisce about Yoel, to plan for the future, and to worry.