First Day of School For My Boys

Today is the first day of school for my boys. I only managed to take a picture of my 8th grader. I drove my 5th grader to school and forgot to take a picture of us. My 1oth grader did not want to go to his usual school. He wanted more religious education even if it meant having to learn a whole new language to do it. He is very smart. He will get it done. I was actually waiting for my husband to get him transferred. I do not want to push it. BUT, here we are, first day of school and he wasn’t enrolled in the school he wanted. Nothing really happens in this family unless I do it. Nothing major that is.

When I say that…nothing happens unless I do it, it makes me wonder why the hell did Yoel die? I surely did not want that to happen. He would have been freshman college student now. There were many options for him because he’s intelligent, personally, and determined. It makes me wonder why he did not talk to me at all. Why? Why? Why? It nearly drives me crazy when I accidentally get into this loop. Then I am too exhausted treading water to even talk about it to anyone else. Not the therapist or suicide survivor group we signed up with.

Anyway, I have 4 hours to myself before I have to pick up my baby. Full schedule this afternoon. I should plan out my dinner menu now or end up with nothing.

Last week is the first day of school for my daughter. She’s in university studying computer science engineering. This is us when I meet her last Tuesday after her school and after my court appearance in Sachse Texas. We went for some Freebirds and Berrynaked desserts.

The vegan burrito she got. I bought myself a coconut lime popsicle. It turned out I don’t like sour things with my coconut. Although I like pineapple coconut ice cream made by Haagen Daz. I haven’t eaten any of that flavor in over 6 years now though. I remember how good it tasted though.

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Pictures of Yoel on our Trip to Utah


Yoel and I in 2015 on a trip to Utah. Arches National Park. We had fun walking around and wished we could have walked even more. I hope that wherever he is now, he gets to hike to places he wanted to. We didn’t have nearly enough time for the hikes we wanted to take while he was alive.


These two, Chana and Yoel, are like twins 15 months apart. I am sure my daughter misses her brother very much. They were thick as thieves and the first pair to venture into anywhere.
At Arches National Park.


Like here, they went up to this rock formation together and looked around.


He was the happiest when he could walk and hike on unpaved trails.

Our family at Arches National Park on an early morning walk. We were going to climb to the delicate arch, but the Little Ones (As Yoel likes to call his younger brothers) were getting tired. So Chana and Yoel went and hike by themselves. I think it got too bright in that early morning, they went back around without reaching the delicate arch. I love those family trips we used to take. It was never quite the same after Yoel. For my part, it did not seem like a family trip because we are missing one.

On new year 2017, we took a trip to South Padre Island for a few days. I really missed having all my kids together. It wasn’t too bad, but it is also strange to be making new memories without my second child. Yoel was my one child who never failed to give me hugs and kisses every single day that we are in the same city. I miss that. I miss his smiles and his random sharing of things he found thoughout the week. The funny books he’d read to us during family dinners. I wished I recorded some of it and just hear his voice.

Starting Over


I saw this picture from a family trip we took after I took the bar exam in July 2015. I miss all of us. I used to have five children.  I kept thinking now that from this picture on, I had a year to live with Yoel, my second child, my oldest son. This was a trip to Arches National Park in Moab, Utah on August 2015.

On September 20, 2016, my second child, Yoel, died. On the 21st was Chana’s 19th birthday, the 22nd was Yoel’s funeral, and on the 23rd was Yoav’s 15th birthday. I think in numbers. For example: I have 1 husband, but we have had 3 weddings.  We have 5 children, and this coming October, we will be celebrating our 26th wedding anniversary. My children are currently at age 19, 15, 12, 11. Yoel died at 17 years, 8 months, and 7 days. It has been 263 days and I have yet to mail the autopsy report request. I got the form all filled up. I just have not been able to mail it. Yet.  Now, I think I am ready to read it.  I want to know when my son died. I wish I also could know what his thoughts were during the last moment of his life.

I am not sure how to live my life after.  All I know is I cannot check out of it because I do have 4 children and a husband who still needs me. I think I hole up a lot in my corner of the couch just trying to survive.  Some days, I fear that I cannot hold it together.  Other days, I felt normal. I started this blog again because I wanted a place to just be. I do not need audience. I do not oppose them.  It is not the reason I started this blog.

I might write more than once a day to sort my thoughts. I might not write at all. I just want a place to think in written form, to reminisce about Yoel, to plan for the future, and to worry.