I Am Gaining Weight

I noticed that some of my size 2 tops are fitting tighter on me. I went to the scale and noticed that I have gained some weight. It is fats but it is not on my breast – which would have been lovely, thank you – but on my back. Ugh. So, I am going to start watching I am eating that’s doing this. Making my carefully selected work tops tight on me. My daughter suggested that I write a food diary or write down what I ate. The only issue I have with that is having to do it. Yes, I have my cell phone and I could easily do it in theory. Having to actually do it is challenging.

About the only thing I have been deligent about recently is watching my Korean Drama and making a list of it. Only because it is not a daily thing. I know I should do the food diary.  But first thing first. Stop eating so many cakes and party at every cute and pretty coffee shop in town.  I see a lot in the course of my job.


The WAFFLE ICE CREAM at ALL ABOUT CHA in Southlake Texas

That is number one. I find so many coffee and tea places all over town. After a court hearing, I would stop by and have a taro latte and some pastry.  In addition, I would come home and eat all the bread and pastry that I bought.


Coconut bread from 85C BAKERY AND CAFE

On the pretext of work, I would park myself in a cafe.


Walnut brioche, white-bean-stuffed pastry, and hazelnut coffee at ECCLESIA in Carrollton

Self control. I know I have come a long way and I appreciate that it is an accomplishment to lose 10 dress sizes. Now, I just have to keep it. It seem fair that I should work at keeping my size 2-4 since I did not have to work going to this size. I was just watching TV and then I lose the weight. 


Le Suit Size 4. I definitely like this size better than 14. I have proof in my closet

That said, my daughter bought me NY Cheesecake pancake from IHOP. I should have taken picture of the pancake. It was so good that I didn’t even think of it. I am proud to note that I stopped at eating just one. I was only going to eat half, but it was unusually good.

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We Like Indian CuisineĀ 


My version of Biryani Masala beef. I did not add yogurt on the dish.

My husband and I yelped for a place to eat in Frisco and come across O’DESI AROMA at 8448 Parkwood Blvd. Suite 500, Frisco TX 75204. We tried two items on their menu and a dessert. We enjoyed it very much. My sister’s friend from India sent me some Karahi and Biryani Masala spices. It has been sitting on my shelf for about a month when I thought it was time to try my hand at making it. What is pictured about is my version of it. I have to take out some of the ingredients because of diet limitations. I think it turned out great because it looked pretty and my family (picky eaters that they are) ate all of it.

This is the appetizer menu called Makhani Arancini. It was very good. I think it has cheese and vegetables and covered with panko and fried.

This is the Makhani curry, with thick tomato in it. My daughter liked it very much.

This is the dessert that is like a donut soaked in water. We liked it but I personally think it was too sweet.  But, I drink everything sugarless…so it is probably the right amount of sweet, just that I like my food to have less sugar as possible.

This is the Lamb biryani. My son did not like it too much because he’s 10 and he prefers burgers.  I am trying to expand his palate but he is a stubborn baby.

Saturday Date With Chana

Chana and I like to eat at TASTE OF KOREA. It is located at Korea Town off George Bush and Old Denton Road. The same parking lot side at H-Mart. We ordered a $13.00 galbitang or beef rib stew.  With the sides and rice with it, it’s all that Chana and I can manage to eat. We barely finish this. I did eat all sides except for that one on the bottom left. I like the seaweed sides in the middle of the left side pictured here. I even asked for a second serving. Chana puts pepper paste with her soup. I find it too spicy if I do. I just watch in amazement how she likes her food spicy. 

We went to ECCLESIA afterwards. Chana got her Hazelnut coffe and I got my carbs on. Although I should slow down on my carbs. I noticed one of my size small under-the-suit shell is a bit tight on me. I like it here in size 4. While in law school, I was wearing size 10-14 and that was about 40 pounds of added weight to my small-boned petite frame. However, carbs in bread and cake form are just so delicious!  I also like sitting in cafes and doing my work. I like how grown up that feels. I usually go alone so I can decide how long I am staying. I guess I am practicing for when I travel alone. Something that I cannot picture myself doing. I always drag my daughter along. However, I can see the attraction of traveling alone. I am not sure I can do it really. I like company.

What I bought: the round things is a pastry stuffed with white beans and the bread behind is at a walnut brioche. I like the vanilla brioche that 85C BAKERY makes. This walnut version from ECCLESIA is tasty and different. I hate to think how much calories these are running around my body.  They are fun to eat though.  I hate exercise. I tried yesterday on my elliptical machine because of that tight blouse. I couldn’t even last 10 minutes. The only option left is eat less of my favorite pastry so I won’t have to go up a dress size. Boy, am I a little obsessed with my weight. I have gone up several size scale. Starting with 75 pounds and double 0 dress size at the age of 24, to almost 180 pounds with my 6th pregnancy, I have run the range of sizes. I like it here better at 4. 

Graffiti by Yoel, I’m Pretty Sure

I have been walking up and down the stairs for over a dozen times since September 20, 2016. Today, I finally paid attention to this writing on the wall. I looked at the handwriting. I am pretty sure it is Yoel’s. That carefully formed letter. There was the same writing on the back on his closet. I need to take a picture of it before I repaint the walls. Maybe, I will leave this spot unpainted and shelac it for protection. 

Yoel listened to Amazon Music which came with Amazon Prime subscription. I was very sad that he deleted all his playlist before he went. His phone was cleaned out too. I wish he left me his letters or his diaries. It looked as if he had torn off the written pages of his diaries and tossed them out. I sometimes worry that I am talking and thinking too much about the child who is gone rather than the children I have here with me. I cannot help it. He’s never far from my mind. All throughout the day, I think about my children in one form or the other. 

However, when Yoel comes to my mind, it is markedly different than when I think about Chana, Yoav, Yossi or Yoash.  Thinking about Yoel come with guilt, regrets, pain, happpiness, nostalgia and a whole potpourri of emotions.

If I remember correctly, on the back of Yoel’s closet are the worlds: “this family is full of…” the last word is blackened out. I am thinking of erasing it lightly and finding out what was written there. Although if Yoel is anything like me at that age, I would have written the word “shit – if I wa unhappy” or “love – if I was happy” and a range of words in between. 

It is now 290 days since Yoel went. I have only dreamed of him once. On my birthday last February 26.  I would like to dream more often about him.  I would like to hear him talk with me in my dreams. Talk with me like when he was a lived and we would just talk about everything and nothing.


The choices of stone for the TOMBSTONE or GRAVESTONE or whatever they call it. The bottom line is, it is going to mark the location of where my son is buried. I would have preferred shopping for his car. Yoel’s car.

Today, my husband and I talked with a person at the Cemetery to buy a headstone for Yoel’s grave. It is going to be unveiling in about 70 days. I dragged my feet about purchasing one. Today, before my appointment, I just realized that this is just one more thing reminding me that he’s no longer in my living world. I sat in my car for 20 minutes and sobbed. I sobbed so hard, I cannot get words out of my mouth. It felt like he died all over again. I did not want to be there. I did not want to be selecting stones for his grave. 

But as a mom left behind, it is what I have to do. I have no idea being dead can cost so much money. Yoel is burried in the Jewish section of the cemetery. The headstone that would span the three plots we have there cost anywhere from 11K – 15K. I wanted to get him the colors of stones he usually picked when we pick stones in our trip. Yoel is careful with his money. I am very sure he would be hurried at how expensive everything is.

As I was sobbing in my car today, I noticed that for about a couple of minutes, both my arms with numb and tingly. The same sensation when the blood rushes back after a circulation has been cut off. I should ask my doctor later just to make sure. My youngest is only 11 years old. I just cannot leave my children until they are grown.


We stopped by and saw Yoel’s grave. There is a small marker that was placed there on the day of the funeral.  The headstone will go to this spot later. Maybe, Chana will visit the cemetery when the headstone is in place. I would hate for my other children to forget about Yoel. I am sure they won’t, but they also do not mention him often enough. I think.

Clearing My Head

I was looking at my Amazon Photos and saw a series of pictures I took with my Sony Ericsson phone over half a dozen years ago. This is my 3rd child, Yoav, in the picture. He was swimming and building sand castles in San Francisco Bay while I was huddled under a blanket trying to stay warm. That was a good mommy-son vacation. I was glad to take it. We went biking just about everywhere. Over Golden Gate Bridge, in Golden Gate Park, around Fisherman’s Wharf.  We went to Sacramento and toured Winchester Mansion. That was truly an odd house. Yoav loved it. He liked architectural mystery. Now, it will be more difficult to take vacation with this child of mine. He’s 15 and just getting religious. He pretty much won’t go anywhere where there are half-clad females.

Right now, I have the whole PERIDOT COFFEE place to myself. It is located at 2249 Royal Lane, Suite 101, Dallas. The better to get my bearings and get some things off my chest. I just had two cup of black tea, and I have moved on to Thai Bubble tea. It is cold and sweet. Two things I do not usually go for, but it is a perfect drink for today’s weather. Hot and humid Dallas. 

This is my second child, Yoel, and my husband. Taken one summer at Grapevine Lake when we went walking there to pass the time. Yoel died on September 20, 2016. A Tuesday. I heard the news while I was just finishing my afternoon docket at Dallas Municipal Court. I think I heard a wail of a wounded animal from a distance. Today, I realized that it might have been me. I am almost sure it was me. I think some cops took my keys for fear that I’d drive home in that state. My brother in-law picked me up and drove my car home. Do you know that when a loved one die of unnatural causes they become a property of the county? And if you are a Jew following Jewish tradition of mourning, you’re never seeing that loved one again in this world. I do not remember seeing Yoel on Monday. He was in school and when he came home, he went to his room to sleep early. We talked on the phone and exchanged text as I was leaving to go to the gun range. 

I did not know that was going to be the last time I would hear his voice. On Sunday before, he spent most of the day with me. Did he know that he was leaving then? Why didn’t I know. He sat with my in my room and watch some Korean drama. Laughed our heads off. He went to sleep for some time in our bed. When he woke up, he went with me downtown when I have to do some work-related stuff. We stopped by Dickeys near Henderson. He didn’t have much of an appetite. Then we went home. That was our last day together.

I must have been delusional thinking that I would know if anything is wrong with my children. I asked him if he had anything to tell me. He said there was none. He wanted us to listen to his favorite music. It’s from a racing game. The music is about 12 minutes long. We were stuck in traffic along US-75 anyway. So we did. When we got home, we watched a Korean reality show about actors becoming soldiers. It was pretty funny and we laughed our heads off.  Then my sister came with some pizza, and Yoel left for some other parts of our house. That was must last clear memory with him.

This is Yoel at Palo Duro Canyon off Amarillo. We climbed to the top of one of the hills and found this cavern. Yoav and Chana climbed up too. I wouldn’t let Yoav go down to where Yoel was because Yoav is overweight and I was afraid he would injur himself on the way in or out. Yoel loved walking off trails. Nothing cemented, just dirt. We went here on a winter break and walked all over the park. Then it snowed and we have to cut our vacation short by a day because we have to be back home by Wednesday. Work. We have multiple Sunday-Wednesday vacation. 

It is now 289 days since Yoel went away. I know I have to shop for that headstone for the unveiling. However, I have extraordinary talent of procrastination. I gave myself until last week to at least talk with the cemetery person to make sure the headstone I pickup is in compliance. I do not want to be picking up a headstone. I want my son back. I feel like the family dynamic had changed a lot since Yoel die. 

My daughter would usually walk out of the room if we talk about Yoel too much. Sometimes, she high tails it out of anywhere by the first mentioned. My other boys just don’t want to go anywhere. Taking all 6 of us on a trip is a monumental effort on my part and often unsuccessful. Was it always this hard to get them on a family vacation or is it recent. I don’t know anymore. We went on two trip already with incomplete family. The Galveston trip we took over Spring break was without Chana and Yoav. Chana was in San Antonio for a concert. Yoav just stayed home. Then, we went to New York for a summer trip. We have only Chana and Yossi with us. Yoav wanted to come, but it was late when he mentioned it. Yoav wanted to come because he wanted to check out Monsey as a possible option to go to school and live a religious life. 

I think I was exhausted today. I am upset about my dead child. Upset about my spouse who refuses to go to the doctor. I am scare because I feel like he is going to join Yoel leaving me alone. I am mad because there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it. I should just catch up on my sleep and see if I feel any better when I wake up. This should be enough unloading for the day. I will probably read this later and find many grammatical errors and annoy myself.

The View is Better Up There

This was the view Yossi and I were looking at last Thursday night as we flew out of New York to Dallas. We landed at 11P and my brother-in-law picked us up from the airport. It was very nice not having to deal with public transportation.

This view was when it was closer to 8P overlooking La Guardia. We took the subway to the airport from Manhattan. It wasn’t too bad lagging our luggages through a subway and then an M60 bus. We made it to the airport in plenty of time. I totally went nuts in the airport. I spent 60 dollars on candies, a package of tomatoes, 2 scones, water, 2 sandwiches, a cookie…it might not be so bad after all.

This was before it realily got dark. We rented a car in New York to drive to the suburbs. At some point, when a 20-mile distance takes over an hour to drive, I turned on MONK audiobook. We laughed our way through the traffic. Hudson tunnel was crowded but traffic flew at a steady pace. I survived Manhattan driving. Bucket list checked.

Our view of Dallas-Fort Worth right before landing. I think I have a better picture but I cannot be bothered to change this out because I am sleepy. I am going to sleep for 90 minutes and then work. Good night world. Good night for a few minutes. 

Leaving Dallas and Arriving in New York with Just Yossi and I

My sister Happy came to my house to drive Yossi and I to DFW.  She came at 5A and had to wait 20 minutes for us to get ourselves together. I am so lucky to have a sister who cares. She got us to the airport in plenty of time.

At the airport, after we got our boarding passes and has gone through security, we have an hour to kill. We went to TGI Fridays and got ourselves some omelet and French toast. Then, it was time to board the plane. With 20 minutes to spare before boarding, I came up with the brilliant idea to have Yossi’s IOS updated.  It was so slow, it waited all of those minutes and more.  Right before we have to board, installation was complete. I thought his phone would be no better than a paperweight if the update was not completed. Brilliant idea, mine.

We finally got on the plane and proceeded to sleep. We stayed up almost all night doing nothing, we had no trouble falling asleep.

The skies were pretty awesome when we were above Dallas. There was Tropical Storm Cindy that day after all and I guess that was why the clouds were awesome.

We took some pictures of it and then passed out. We woke up almost 3 hours later when we landed in La Guardia Airport.


We were excited to find out that LA GUARDIA PLAZA HOTEL is only 4 miles from the airport and they have free shuttle. We got on the shuttle and proceeded to wait for my husband and daughter to arrive on a flight 3 hours after ours. 

This is Yossi at the lobby of our hotel getting occupied as I decide what to do. We surfed for places to eat because we thought we might be hungry already. It is actually a case of boredom and wanting something to do. We found LA GUARDA CAFE. Before checking out how far the place was, we ordered Uber. We were going to go to Queens Museum after we checked our bags at the hotel, however, we did not have coins for the bus to take us to the museum. We only have paper money and there was no place to buy Metro Card. We walked towards block 100 of Ditmars Avenue and then walked back to the hotel.

We ended up having to wait for Uber about half an hour, and then we found out that the place we want to go to was about an 8 minute walk from where we were. The ride was about 9 dollars and it was going to cost us 5 dollars to cancel after 5 minutes have passed. Bummer. We waited and got the Uber after we have to tell the driver how to get to the hotel. With about 80 minutes to spare this my husband and daughter arrive, we were finally at the cafe. The food was great. I tried their goat and beef stew. It came with brown rice with beans, and then plantain and cassava. 

LA GUARDIA CAFE is a small place, however, the place is tastefully decorated and they office delicious food. Here’s Yoss and the food we got. 

This is the brown rice, banana, and goat stew. Very delicious. I love it.

This is the beef stew with the cassava and it is delicious, too.