I Am Itching

I am itching. So much. The only thing that changed in my “diet” these past few days: eating pop chips (ate about 7 since Thursday), KitKat and snicker bars (about 5 since Thursday) and then half a dozen Nilla wafers. And since I went all out, I am now suffering for it. Took Benadryl. Still itching. It is moments like this that makes me swear off junk food forever. I just forgot because I have been feeling great lately. I itch and I am miserable.

This must be how my late son, Yoel feels every single time he inhale something that he was allergic too. It not fun. At all. This is my Eli below.

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Time Keeps Marching On


I took my children to Six Flags one Sunday afternoon. But I ended up with one nephew and one child and my sister, Happy, and my brother, Winston. Happy took this picture of me as I was looking at a little girl who siddled next to me. The little girl amused me.

As of today, I just finished 23 weeks in my new job. It almost never have a down time in this type of law. Not a single moment to be bored or yawn my way through the day. It’s always going and always hopping. I am wondering why I haven’t screamed “Uncle” and quit. I am enjoying it quite a bit. I have a few hiccups here and there, but puting it into perspective, it is a small ripple in the lake of my work.

Last Sunday, Yoash and I went to Kroger to grab a birthday cake for my little sister, Number 1, who turned 40 the following day – March 12. Yoash thought it was a great idea to give daffodils along with the cake too. And then he got himself those white tulips because he likes tulip and white in particular. I have to say, Kroger makes great cakes lately. Not too sweet. Bad for my waistline because I can eat a lot because it is not too sweet.

Last Sunday, we stopped by White Rock Creek trail. A part of it. It was fun just hanging out there and flirting with the cliff that drops into the waters edge. A good 8-9 feet drop. Ops. I think I will take my daughter to skate there.

First Day of School For My Boys

Today is the first day of school for my boys. I only managed to take a picture of my 8th grader. I drove my 5th grader to school and forgot to take a picture of us. My 1oth grader did not want to go to his usual school. He wanted more religious education even if it meant having to learn a whole new language to do it. He is very smart. He will get it done. I was actually waiting for my husband to get him transferred. I do not want to push it. BUT, here we are, first day of school and he wasn’t enrolled in the school he wanted. Nothing really happens in this family unless I do it. Nothing major that is.

When I say that…nothing happens unless I do it, it makes me wonder why the hell did Yoel die? I surely did not want that to happen. He would have been freshman college student now. There were many options for him because he’s intelligent, personally, and determined. It makes me wonder why he did not talk to me at all. Why? Why? Why? It nearly drives me crazy when I accidentally get into this loop. Then I am too exhausted treading water to even talk about it to anyone else. Not the therapist or suicide survivor group we signed up with.

Anyway, I have 4 hours to myself before I have to pick up my baby. Full schedule this afternoon. I should plan out my dinner menu now or end up with nothing.

Last week is the first day of school for my daughter. She’s in university studying computer science engineering. This is us when I meet her last Tuesday after her school and after my court appearance in Sachse Texas. We went for some Freebirds and Berrynaked desserts.

The vegan burrito she got. I bought myself a coconut lime popsicle. It turned out I don’t like sour things with my coconut. Although I like pineapple coconut ice cream made by Haagen Daz. I haven’t eaten any of that flavor in over 6 years now though. I remember how good it tasted though.

Unrelenting Headache, Unrelenting Cough

Wednesday night, my headache started along with my worsening cough. I would take Motrin and my headache just laughed in the face of Motrin! I tried sleeping it off, but how can I sleep with this unrelenting cough? I tend to avoid things that happens or food I eat while or on the way to being sick. Tuesday, I had a chiropractor appointment. I wonder if I got adjusted wrong and it caused this horrible headache. I have appointment on Monday. If my headache does not disappear, I would probably stay away from a chiropractor for a while. Not because they did anything wrong. But because I just operate that way.

On another note, my husband bought me this shoes. It is so cute. However, it is not comfortable at all. My little toe on both sides hurts even seconds after putting it on. I cannot figure it out because the shoes appeared wide. I have pointy stiletto and I was expecting pain there, but there isn’t. I would probably return it, except it shipped from China. I surely don’t want to wear it again if it makes my feet hurt. I don’t want to ruin my feet for my other shoes. Like this one below for example.

I know it appeared uncomfortable, but I can stay on this shoes and not think about it for at least 5 hours. The creepers is my daughter’s. She loves shoes that are not tight nor high. She also wants to be taller than I am, but since she’s only an inch taller than I am and won’t wear heels, it is a given that I will be taller than her whenever we are together.

I also really like this Milwaukee Motorcycle Boots my husband bought me. It is heavy and quite unyielding. I thought it would be uncomfortable and painful to wear. It is turning out be my favorite casual shoes. It has about 2 inches of sole in it. I am the girl on the extreme right with the black shoes. I wore it so see G-Dragon concert in Houston on July 19. Took a day off work to drive down to Houston. My daughter came and took this picture of me and my Filipina friends who live in Houston. It was nice to hang out with them for a couple of hours before the concert. While this boots is heavy, it is comfortable once I got used to the weight of it. Here is a closer look at it:

Sick As A Dog

I do not know what that means. Tuesday, I woke up to a sore throat and a beginning of a phlegm build up. My dog Italia is also having skin problems. He's on steroids and other mess to keep the skin inflammation down. But we have to keep changing medicines because it would stop working after a while. I think it is related to the grass in our backyard, so we only let him out in the inner courtyard where there is no grass. The problem is his brother France only want to roll around in the grass, so Italia would play in the grass with him. The day after, he's all red and itchy and sick looking.

I am sick differently. I have productive cough and I would cough for minutes at a time. I cough my way from 2AM to 7AM this morning when I was trying to sleep. In fact, I only cough when I am trying to sleep, talk with someone, or in a room full of people. It is the most annoying thing. It is not bronchitis, yet. I went to the doctor on Thursday. I received codeine and an antibiotic. I have taken DayQail which works for a time. Then I found in my medicine cabinet a Mucinex DM. It expired a month ago, but it is good for 12 hours relief. I took it. It made me woozy but I survived a round of court hearings with minimal coughing. Same with the wedding. I took expired Mucinex DM 12 hour relief, a Motrin, 2 packets of Emergen-C and zycam. Went to a wedding and cough from 6PM until the wedding started. Did not cough from 9PM-11PM, then started again and couldn't stop for 8 hours. Yay.

I wore red to a wedding and my daughter wore roses and skulls. That's so Chana. My mommy of five gut was showing up in the dress. I shamelessly wore it anyway. With my favorite beige Nine West strapped stiletto. We stayed at the wedding til after 11. We dance and talk to people and have good time.

My daughter and I stopped by ALL ABOUT CHA located in 250 RANDOL MILL AVENUE, SUITE 140 – (817) 562-4222 in Southlake before coming home. They make us tea less than 30 minutes before closing. However, they serve it to us in a plastic cup when I know they have those cute tiny glass tea cup for service. How much time would it take to wash those tiny cups? I was watching the time. We plan to leave 5 minutes before closing. I cannot decide whether it would have been better if they said no to our buying tea at 11:26 PM than to give us subpar service when I know they could do better. Also, why put closing time at midnight if you only give crappy service to anyone coming in at half an hour before closing?

The upside is, they still steep the fruity oolong I like correctly. It was delicious. Even in the paper cups they gave us. Would I bother coming in there again when it is close to closing time? Probably not. The service made me feel like I was asking for a handout when I was paying full price. They are officially open. There was no call to make me feel like I was in somebody's house and was asking for a free tea.

I Do Not Like The New WordPress App Interface

I can't post pictures seamlessly like before. The image editing is iffy and awkward. It turned out like I only like to post if I can have pictures to go along with my words. But posting pictures in this new whatever-this-is is not working for me. I hope it gets better. I can't even figure out how to add notes to pictures. I am not tech-savvy. Maybe someone will make a YouTube video hack on this but for now, I am not a happy blogger.

The view outside the window at the clerk's office in 95th District Civil Court in Dallas County.

Anyway, I think I caught cold/flu combo. I got this annoying back-throat drip and it is making me cough. I have a wedding to attend on Friday. I am either going to have to be drugged up or not attend. Who wants to hear someone coughing their way to a wedding? I hope there's a combo of drugs out there that would keep me from coughing for at least 4 hours. DayQuil is making it possible to attend hearings. But still, the coughing is annoying.

And now the picture is too big for the post. Ugh!

Clearing My Head

I was looking at my Amazon Photos and saw a series of pictures I took with my Sony Ericsson phone over half a dozen years ago. This is my 3rd child, Yoav, in the picture. He was swimming and building sand castles in San Francisco Bay while I was huddled under a blanket trying to stay warm. That was a good mommy-son vacation. I was glad to take it. We went biking just about everywhere. Over Golden Gate Bridge, in Golden Gate Park, around Fisherman’s Wharf.  We went to Sacramento and toured Winchester Mansion. That was truly an odd house. Yoav loved it. He liked architectural mystery. Now, it will be more difficult to take vacation with this child of mine. He’s 15 and just getting religious. He pretty much won’t go anywhere where there are half-clad females.

Right now, I have the whole PERIDOT COFFEE place to myself. It is located at 2249 Royal Lane, Suite 101, Dallas. The better to get my bearings and get some things off my chest. I just had two cup of black tea, and I have moved on to Thai Bubble tea. It is cold and sweet. Two things I do not usually go for, but it is a perfect drink for today’s weather. Hot and humid Dallas. 

This is my second child, Yoel, and my husband. Taken one summer at Grapevine Lake when we went walking there to pass the time. Yoel died on September 20, 2016. A Tuesday. I heard the news while I was just finishing my afternoon docket at Dallas Municipal Court. I think I heard a wail of a wounded animal from a distance. Today, I realized that it might have been me. I am almost sure it was me. I think some cops took my keys for fear that I’d drive home in that state. My brother in-law picked me up and drove my car home. Do you know that when a loved one die of unnatural causes they become a property of the county? And if you are a Jew following Jewish tradition of mourning, you’re never seeing that loved one again in this world. I do not remember seeing Yoel on Monday. He was in school and when he came home, he went to his room to sleep early. We talked on the phone and exchanged text as I was leaving to go to the gun range. 

I did not know that was going to be the last time I would hear his voice. On Sunday before, he spent most of the day with me. Did he know that he was leaving then? Why didn’t I know. He sat with my in my room and watch some Korean drama. Laughed our heads off. He went to sleep for some time in our bed. When he woke up, he went with me downtown when I have to do some work-related stuff. We stopped by Dickeys near Henderson. He didn’t have much of an appetite. Then we went home. That was our last day together.

I must have been delusional thinking that I would know if anything is wrong with my children. I asked him if he had anything to tell me. He said there was none. He wanted us to listen to his favorite music. It’s from a racing game. The music is about 12 minutes long. We were stuck in traffic along US-75 anyway. So we did. When we got home, we watched a Korean reality show about actors becoming soldiers. It was pretty funny and we laughed our heads off.  Then my sister came with some pizza, and Yoel left for some other parts of our house. That was must last clear memory with him.

This is Yoel at Palo Duro Canyon off Amarillo. We climbed to the top of one of the hills and found this cavern. Yoav and Chana climbed up too. I wouldn’t let Yoav go down to where Yoel was because Yoav is overweight and I was afraid he would injur himself on the way in or out. Yoel loved walking off trails. Nothing cemented, just dirt. We went here on a winter break and walked all over the park. Then it snowed and we have to cut our vacation short by a day because we have to be back home by Wednesday. Work. We have multiple Sunday-Wednesday vacation. 

It is now 289 days since Yoel went away. I know I have to shop for that headstone for the unveiling. However, I have extraordinary talent of procrastination. I gave myself until last week to at least talk with the cemetery person to make sure the headstone I pickup is in compliance. I do not want to be picking up a headstone. I want my son back. I feel like the family dynamic had changed a lot since Yoel die. 

My daughter would usually walk out of the room if we talk about Yoel too much. Sometimes, she high tails it out of anywhere by the first mentioned. My other boys just don’t want to go anywhere. Taking all 6 of us on a trip is a monumental effort on my part and often unsuccessful. Was it always this hard to get them on a family vacation or is it recent. I don’t know anymore. We went on two trip already with incomplete family. The Galveston trip we took over Spring break was without Chana and Yoav. Chana was in San Antonio for a concert. Yoav just stayed home. Then, we went to New York for a summer trip. We have only Chana and Yossi with us. Yoav wanted to come, but it was late when he mentioned it. Yoav wanted to come because he wanted to check out Monsey as a possible option to go to school and live a religious life. 

I think I was exhausted today. I am upset about my dead child. Upset about my spouse who refuses to go to the doctor. I am scare because I feel like he is going to join Yoel leaving me alone. I am mad because there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it. I should just catch up on my sleep and see if I feel any better when I wake up. This should be enough unloading for the day. I will probably read this later and find many grammatical errors and annoy myself.