I have been walking up and down the stairs for over a dozen times since September 20, 2016. Today, I finally paid attention to this writing on the wall. I looked at the handwriting. I am pretty sure it is Yoel’s. That carefully formed letter. There was the same writing on the back on his closet. I need to take a picture of it before I repaint the walls. Maybe, I will leave this spot unpainted and shelac it for protection.
Yoel listened to Amazon Music which came with Amazon Prime subscription. I was very sad that he deleted all his playlist before he went. His phone was cleaned out too. I wish he left me his letters or his diaries. It looked as if he had torn off the written pages of his diaries and tossed them out. I sometimes worry that I am talking and thinking too much about the child who is gone rather than the children I have here with me. I cannot help it. He’s never far from my mind. All throughout the day, I think about my children in one form or the other.
However, when Yoel comes to my mind, it is markedly different than when I think about Chana, Yoav, Yossi or Yoash. Thinking about Yoel come with guilt, regrets, pain, happpiness, nostalgia and a whole potpourri of emotions.
If I remember correctly, on the back of Yoel’s closet are the worlds: “this family is full of…” the last word is blackened out. I am thinking of erasing it lightly and finding out what was written there. Although if Yoel is anything like me at that age, I would have written the word “shit – if I wa unhappy” or “love – if I was happy” and a range of words in between.
It is now 290 days since Yoel went. I have only dreamed of him once. On my birthday last February 26. I would like to dream more often about him. I would like to hear him talk with me in my dreams. Talk with me like when he was a lived and we would just talk about everything and nothing.
Today, my husband and I talked with a person at the Cemetery to buy a headstone for Yoel’s grave. It is going to be unveiling in about 70 days. I dragged my feet about purchasing one. Today, before my appointment, I just realized that this is just one more thing reminding me that he’s no longer in my living world. I sat in my car for 20 minutes and sobbed. I sobbed so hard, I cannot get words out of my mouth. It felt like he died all over again. I did not want to be there. I did not want to be selecting stones for his grave.
But as a mom left behind, it is what I have to do. I have no idea being dead can cost so much money. Yoel is burried in the Jewish section of the cemetery. The headstone that would span the three plots we have there cost anywhere from 11K – 15K. I wanted to get him the colors of stones he usually picked when we pick stones in our trip. Yoel is careful with his money. I am very sure he would be hurried at how expensive everything is.
As I was sobbing in my car today, I noticed that for about a couple of minutes, both my arms with numb and tingly. The same sensation when the blood rushes back after a circulation has been cut off. I should ask my doctor later just to make sure. My youngest is only 11 years old. I just cannot leave my children until they are grown.
We stopped by and saw Yoel’s grave. There is a small marker that was placed there on the day of the funeral. The headstone will go to this spot later. Maybe, Chana will visit the cemetery when the headstone is in place. I would hate for my other children to forget about Yoel. I am sure they won’t, but they also do not mention him often enough. I think.