Clearing My Head

I was looking at my Amazon Photos and saw a series of pictures I took with my Sony Ericsson phone over half a dozen years ago. This is my 3rd child, Yoav, in the picture. He was swimming and building sand castles in San Francisco Bay while I was huddled under a blanket trying to stay warm. That was a good mommy-son vacation. I was glad to take it. We went biking just about everywhere. Over Golden Gate Bridge, in Golden Gate Park, around Fisherman’s Wharf.  We went to Sacramento and toured Winchester Mansion. That was truly an odd house. Yoav loved it. He liked architectural mystery. Now, it will be more difficult to take vacation with this child of mine. He’s 15 and just getting religious. He pretty much won’t go anywhere where there are half-clad females.

Right now, I have the whole PERIDOT COFFEE place to myself. It is located at 2249 Royal Lane, Suite 101, Dallas. The better to get my bearings and get some things off my chest. I just had two cup of black tea, and I have moved on to Thai Bubble tea. It is cold and sweet. Two things I do not usually go for, but it is a perfect drink for today’s weather. Hot and humid Dallas. 

This is my second child, Yoel, and my husband. Taken one summer at Grapevine Lake when we went walking there to pass the time. Yoel died on September 20, 2016. A Tuesday. I heard the news while I was just finishing my afternoon docket at Dallas Municipal Court. I think I heard a wail of a wounded animal from a distance. Today, I realized that it might have been me. I am almost sure it was me. I think some cops took my keys for fear that I’d drive home in that state. My brother in-law picked me up and drove my car home. Do you know that when a loved one die of unnatural causes they become a property of the county? And if you are a Jew following Jewish tradition of mourning, you’re never seeing that loved one again in this world. I do not remember seeing Yoel on Monday. He was in school and when he came home, he went to his room to sleep early. We talked on the phone and exchanged text as I was leaving to go to the gun range. 

I did not know that was going to be the last time I would hear his voice. On Sunday before, he spent most of the day with me. Did he know that he was leaving then? Why didn’t I know. He sat with my in my room and watch some Korean drama. Laughed our heads off. He went to sleep for some time in our bed. When he woke up, he went with me downtown when I have to do some work-related stuff. We stopped by Dickeys near Henderson. He didn’t have much of an appetite. Then we went home. That was our last day together.

I must have been delusional thinking that I would know if anything is wrong with my children. I asked him if he had anything to tell me. He said there was none. He wanted us to listen to his favorite music. It’s from a racing game. The music is about 12 minutes long. We were stuck in traffic along US-75 anyway. So we did. When we got home, we watched a Korean reality show about actors becoming soldiers. It was pretty funny and we laughed our heads off.  Then my sister came with some pizza, and Yoel left for some other parts of our house. That was must last clear memory with him.

This is Yoel at Palo Duro Canyon off Amarillo. We climbed to the top of one of the hills and found this cavern. Yoav and Chana climbed up too. I wouldn’t let Yoav go down to where Yoel was because Yoav is overweight and I was afraid he would injur himself on the way in or out. Yoel loved walking off trails. Nothing cemented, just dirt. We went here on a winter break and walked all over the park. Then it snowed and we have to cut our vacation short by a day because we have to be back home by Wednesday. Work. We have multiple Sunday-Wednesday vacation. 

It is now 289 days since Yoel went away. I know I have to shop for that headstone for the unveiling. However, I have extraordinary talent of procrastination. I gave myself until last week to at least talk with the cemetery person to make sure the headstone I pickup is in compliance. I do not want to be picking up a headstone. I want my son back. I feel like the family dynamic had changed a lot since Yoel die. 

My daughter would usually walk out of the room if we talk about Yoel too much. Sometimes, she high tails it out of anywhere by the first mentioned. My other boys just don’t want to go anywhere. Taking all 6 of us on a trip is a monumental effort on my part and often unsuccessful. Was it always this hard to get them on a family vacation or is it recent. I don’t know anymore. We went on two trip already with incomplete family. The Galveston trip we took over Spring break was without Chana and Yoav. Chana was in San Antonio for a concert. Yoav just stayed home. Then, we went to New York for a summer trip. We have only Chana and Yossi with us. Yoav wanted to come, but it was late when he mentioned it. Yoav wanted to come because he wanted to check out Monsey as a possible option to go to school and live a religious life. 

I think I was exhausted today. I am upset about my dead child. Upset about my spouse who refuses to go to the doctor. I am scare because I feel like he is going to join Yoel leaving me alone. I am mad because there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it. I should just catch up on my sleep and see if I feel any better when I wake up. This should be enough unloading for the day. I will probably read this later and find many grammatical errors and annoy myself.


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